I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
