dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
