A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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