he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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