just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Randomize
