I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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