We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
