I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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