paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
