and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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