Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
