My first STD was from a foam party
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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