i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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