there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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