dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
