Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
