Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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