I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
