every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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