and she was petting her beer can
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Sext me about skeletons
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
