your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I supernannyed him into submission
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize