I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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