I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
i think we sleep fucked last night...
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
