tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
