im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I queefed so loud it echoed.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
