my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
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