Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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