Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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