Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize