i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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