It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
