I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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