Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
