Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
