I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize