she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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