Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
