The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize