Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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