I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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