i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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