just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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