Where are you?
In a non slutty way
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
