You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
