my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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