i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
