if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
