On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize