so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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