I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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