SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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