I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
