It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
