the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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