Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize