I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
