He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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