Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
