if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
