it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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