We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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