I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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