Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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